MOVIE REVIEW: “Deadpool 2” cured the common cold, found Amelia Earhart, got all the Infinity Stones, and stopped global warming

Deadpool 2

Now, if that title wasn’t enough to grab your attention by the twig and berries, I seriously don’t know what will.

Oh, wait. You have no idea who’s writing this, do you? You think that the imaginary, vaguely Ryan Reynolds-sounding voice yammering on inside your head right now belongs to the doofus who owns this website? The guy who shameless put a reference to testicles in the title of his review of Avengers: Infinity War (which already makes me better than him, because I at least waited until the first paragraph of this review before going “nuts”)? The same guy who made Thor-ible puns in his review of Thor: Ragnarok? The asshat who wants the main villain of the next X-Men movie to be the spike-laden, psionic poster child of extreme ’90s comic book cash-grabbing? The no-good hack who totally isn’t just linking to as many of his articles as possible right now to get you to read more of his stuff?

Sorry. Got a bit carried away with all the totally-not-link-spamming I did back there.

Please, allow me to introduce myself. I’m Wade Wilson, also known as Deadpool. I’m the sole survivor of an alien race of one-eyed gods with magic hammers. Sent to Earth in a rocket as a small baby just before my planet exploded, I landed on an island full of hot warrior women guarding a secret CGI box, where I was adopted and lovingly raised by my two mothers, Martha and Martha. One day, I was struck by a bolt of lightning and fell into the ocean, where I learned that I had the ability to talk to fish. Upon reaching the surface, I realized that criminals were a superstitious and cowardly lot, and so I signed on with Warner Bros. to star in Green Lantern, which I still regret to this very day. A terrible Wolverine movie, a test footage leak, and a commercially successful R-rated film (that you’ve probably seen) later, here I am: the sardonic proof that with pop culture references, fourth-wall-breaking, and a costume swiped from Spider-Man, you can get away with just about anything — and make enough money for an encore.

Even I still couldn’t manage to wrap my hamburger-textured head around how much people loved my movie, and this is coming from me, the one guy in the world who has always known how awesome *I* am. Then again, nobody ever went wrong with a healthy dose of “self-help,” right? (Is your mind in the gutter right now? Don’t bother fishing it out, because yes, that’s exactly what I meant.)

Could’ve been anything, really. Maybe it was the sheer novelty of seeing a superhero acting like an unhinged moron AND swearing like a sailor. Maybe it was the masterful storytelling (doubtful), the intricate plot (nuh-uh), or the emotional depth (don’t make me puke in my mask). Or maybe everybody just really, really, really wanted to spend Valentine’s Day laughing out loud, knowing that they’ll be watching their childhood heroes smack the shit out of each other a month later.

I guess that’s one thing we can thank the DCEU for, huh? Wait, no, make that two things: *Maybe* the success of my first film, and DEFINITELY for giving me an opening to take this particularly cheap shot:

Anyway, let’s move on. Notice how I’ve managed to type exactly 555 words in this review of Deadpool 2 without saying anything of substance about Deadpool 2Also, you have no idea how awkward it is for me to keep typing Deadpool 2 instead of just saying “my movie” like a sane person would. Well, I gotta keep my SEO rating up, so just bear with me, okay? Here’s one for the cheapskates in the audience: A free and mostly accurate summary of Deadpool 2. Don’t say I never gave you anything!

Last time you saw me on the silver screen, I spent the last third of the film playing pop-goes-the-carotid-artery with a walking bottle of dishwashing liquid on a damaged bootleg of Nick Fury’s overpriced giant flying helipad. Deadpool 2 opens with me trying to off myself after my gal Vanessa paid the price for my batshit crazy life with her own. Of course, if I had succeeded, Deadpool 2 would have been the shortest comeback in history, so that beautiful borscht-loving beefcake, Colossus, picked up the pieces of my broken self (literally), fixed me, and made me a X-Men trainee. To no one’s surprise, I fucked up the first chance I got, so I landed my ass in mutant prison with this flamin’ pain-in-the-ass of a kid named Russell. Things rapidly went from bad to worse to Elektra when Future-Thanos-with-a-Winter-Soldier-Arm used the Time Stone to show up in the present and assassinate the fat little firestarter before he could grow up and become a full-on supervillain. After that, the following events took place in rapid succession: I formed X-Force, we all found out that Shatterstar’s blood is green, the Juggernaut (SURPRISE, BITCH, BET YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING especiallynotinthisageofInternetleaks) and his culture-appropriating best friend showed up in the same film but never interacted, things exploded, I died, I got better through time travel fuckery, and I basically undid the entirety of Deadpool 2 (and Green Lantern, which was probably the most heroic thing I’ve ever done in my entire life) in a post-credits scene for the purpose of getting a few more laughs from an already ROFL-ing audience. Oh, and at some point between Deadpool and Deadpool 2, Negasonic Teenage Skinhead somehow managed to get herself a totally kawaii girlfriend. (Hi, Yukio! 🦄🦄🦄)

…Maybe summarizing the film wasn’t the best way to get this discussion going. I should probably just jump from point to point until we reach the end of this one-month-too-late review.

Easter egg-o-rama: That’s what Deadpool 2 is. From the main X-Men finally showing their stupid, snobby faces for three seconds (and placing my movies squarely in the same continuity as their decade-leaping, post-Days of Future Past reality  good luck fixing that inevitable headache, Fox!) to the revelation that an actual cure for blindness sits under the floorboards of Blind Al’s place… What, you thought I was kidding in the first film?

(So, how’s THAT for a follow-up to a seemingly throwaway line from the first Deadpool film that you probably never expected would even get addressed or much less outright revealed in the second film and likely just chalked up to the protagonist’s constant insanity-induced babbling?)

Somewhere in the sea of sarcasm, senseless violence, and pop culture references that is Deadpool 2 is the inescapable truth that Deadpool 2 is not a “good” film. Entertaining, sure — and I’m not just contractually obligated to say this because I’m in it — but from a filmmaking perspective? Why else would I take the time to point out lazy writing, drop hints and foreshadowing with all the subtlety of the Juggernaut himself, and deliver other annoyingly self-aware lines of dialogue?

And really, think about it — if Negasonic Teenage Awfulcodename could fix Cable’s time travel device, then what would stop him from returning to his own time? By preventing Vanessa’s death, didn’t I essentially undo the entirety of Deadpool 2? In other words, Cable’s terrible future still comes to pass, thereby making his entire trip to our present pointless.

Guess it’s lucky no one watches movies like Deadpool 2 for the intricate storytelling, right? Take that, Roger Ebert’s contributors!

Excitement- and experience-wise, however, Deadpool 2 definitely delivers. And really, that’s all that matters here, right? You’d have to be a deluded, self-absorbed, self-important prick of a film critic to expect anything more than a mindless two hours of inappropriate jokes, gore, and disrespect from my movie. It’s like going to a McDonald’s and expecting to find foie gras on the menu. Would you like some caviar to go with your fries, asshole?

Gotta give my film credit, though, for finally giving the world a decent Colossus vs. Juggernaut fight. Which is what any sane person would and should expect from a movie that has both characters in it, instead of waiting two hours to see freaking Shadowcat make a chump out of Juggernaut in a sequence shamelessly ripped off from Batman Beyond.

(Uh, you hear that, X-Men: The Last Stand? That’s the sound of me tearing you a new one. As if people needed more reasons to hate you. If X-Men: The Last Stand had a face, it would have been the third casualty in my film’s post-credits scene.)

You should watch out for the next one — I think we’re calling it X-Force — if you liked Deadpool 2. Unfortunately, I don’t think we’ll have Brad Pitt in it. I’m not sure if our budget’ll be enough for THAT little stunt again.

So before I finally put an end to this 1,400-ish-word review and go back to shooting things: What if I told you to check the first letter of each paragraph in this review? Would you do it? Would you? Would you? Would you? Come on, I know you would. Don’t deny what you know in your heart is true.

 

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